The random bleeding is back –_-
Friday, October 29, 2010
Or she might be swedish. Or hungarian.
Or a bear wrestler who says aboot not about.
With the motto of our department.
She’s probably imaginary in my case. Sigh.
Obnoxious behaviour: Check
Strange tricks: Check
Less that salubrious sleep: Check
Rapid weight loss: Double check
Cornucopia of staggering mental ticks and oddities: Check? Oh triple check according to Paul. Ok Paul.
Aversion to normal things: Check
Awkwardness in certain human interactions: Check checkity check check
I need a holiday: Coming sunday! Boom baby.
Side note: Moving to paper for awhile till I sort my life out and find my railings. Pictures only for now I guess.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Been changing a lot of guitar strings recently. Been changing a lot of things as well.
But what’s really scary is I can’t change this feeling. That something is going to happen. And I won’t have time to change it’s course but I’ll have to meet it head on and I’ll have to use my skills to fight it.
But I never like doing that.
I like having it like a slowly moving clay pigeon in the sky. I line it up. Draw a lead and fire my bullet so that the pigeon and my bullets line up at the right time.
But this one. I can’t tell what make of beast is it. It feels ominous.
I feel a little powerless to stop it.
Complex that’s for sure.
I hope I have the skills to tie it up.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Awrighty then. Dead fish plays her games.
C’mon can’t spend the whole night figuring this out.
Let it out.
From the dark depths of the shelves the aide retrieves an Unraveller’s Head. Nodding he leaves us to it.
Surely this is overkill just for the games of 1 girl?
Well it’s Dead Fish’s game?
How are you Paul?
The head just blinks and deathstares.
I know what you wanna ask me. It’s boring jeeeeeezzzzzz all the information in the world, the power of a supercomputer, the understanding of sages, visions of the future all of it compiled in a format you can just ask and hear and you wanna know just that?
Welllllll it’s handy.
Genuinely I don’t think so.
I agree and I think the rest of us craftsman who can appreciate Paul for what he really is would agree that asking Paul this question wouldn’t be a waste of resources per se it is after all better than having Paul idling on a dusty shelf. But I would definitely say it’s a completely pointless question.
Well I think there’s a point to this situation. Surely we wouldn’t be here if it was so straightforward honestly.
Take a drink and think about it.
2 layers up I go to fill my flagon and take another drink of chilly water.
2 layers back down.
I think we should ask Paul.
Honestly I don’t mind if you ask me. It’s a pretty lame question if you ask me. Get it?
Yea yea you tell the best jokes Paul. Well it’s cheating really. You shouldn’t ask Paul these questions.
I agree asking Paul is merely the easy way out you really should be up there digging up the answers with your other skills really.
Right ok. Sigh. But I have work to do.
Fine fine. This banter is time wasting as it is anyway. Alright Paul give him a hint at least.
I was sleeping till you woke me up.
Urgh. Thanks anyway.
The head laughs. I never really understood how just a head can laugh or even speak without a pair of lungs.
I don’t know. I can’t find anything.
Hmmm……Ok ok. What’s in the pictures?
…………Use the Array please.
Ok ok. Uhhhh….Ahhhhh….uhmmm…
Seriously why are you in charge really? Sigh.
And then Paul whispers things. The deep understandings.
That was cheating!
Well it sure was but heck I just wanna go back to my shelf and catch some shut eye. You politicians can bicker about it when I’m back at rest.
We’re tacticians to you my good man.
I was a man now I’m just a head. So go suck on a weed and die.
He clucks his tongue and an aide comes by.
Are you done sir? With Paul that is.
Yes they are, well they should be. I think they’ve run out of pointless questions to ask me today.
The rest of us just nod and dismiss the aide.
See ya Paul. was nice talking to you for sure.
HA!? call me when you do have a problem.
And the aide carries him off.
Well that was cheating.
Who cares it’s settled. Now get back to work seriously.
And I answer the question.
Time to hit the road again. Kinda excited really. Being stuck in Leeds so long has been quite boring seriously. There was the weekend where I nipped off to Sheffield for a day. That was interesting. But it’s pretty hectic. My hair will be white soon again.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
I miss everything in this picture.
The slightly greasy cutlery.
Frick yea. She’s coming. There’s no way to explain such deep joy but I’m gonna give it a shot.
Take a piece of white paper. Yea that’s me on a normal day.
Take a piece of black. Yea that’s me on a bad day.
I was having a black piece of paper in my hand for the whole freaking week till I got handed a note.
A freaking multicoloured happy note of joy telling me she’s coming. It made my day. My week.
Then I stopped sprouting white hair. Got on with life had a spring in my step. And stopped taking prozac. Heck yea.
Those are the cups ready for them to drink out of in the pic btw.
Amazing what news of a visit from an old friend will do for the ol’ mood swings.
Monday, October 18, 2010
The water is trickling off my calf onto the floor. An occasional spritz lands on my elbow.
She’s turning red. She’s more fearful than shocked. I can imagine her naked back must be picking up quite a few unwelcome splinters from the door frame grinding into her back.
As for the other she’s just standing there dumbstruck and afraid to move.
I look back to my left hand again. I’m lifting it higher without release.
She’s turning redder in the face.
My right shoulder feels wet as well but I can feel the water shifting with the tattoos coming to life. The ones on my calves are already up and running pushing the water aside gently. The shoulder’s is still creeping forward although it’s not really needed.
I feel heated with anger.
Yet still neither of them recall their modesty nor their responsibilities.
I’m tempted to end them right here, right now. The blade coming from my right hand is already stretching anyway. It’s a fuzzy mix of red and green. The standard colours of a magician’s blade.
Is it above my hand? Or is it below? It’s both above and below. And edging closer. It’ll be really simple to stab her in the head and it’ll all be over.
But something tells me I shouldn’t.
“Do you know what this means for us?! The bible tells us so as well! You should be ashamed of yourselves! His wrath will find us and burns us all! It won’t be the first time!”
And the blade gets shaper still. And yet I choke her harder.
I wake up. Aha….I guess I still don’t like her all that much.
We’re both retired but we both still keep the keys to our respective offices so it’s hilarious whenever we meet up to discuss the good old days. Or the ridiculous present.
Ah reality manipulators at our finest, bantering shamelessly about our near non-existent love lifes, the quality of our living conditions in our separate continents and most of all our drunk stories.
Long gone we’re the days we’re we did everything but mess with Planck’s constant and fiddled with gravity. Tickled the social collectiveness and understanding of a society.
The best trick some sucker ever did. Was to change the colour of the sky to grey for a whole year! In tropical climate even! Can you imagine blue grey skies in a tropical country?. Cheeky freak. No idea what happened to him though. Hope he didn’t get hunted and burnt at the stake or something.
But wow. Sure keeps me up at night trading stories. All of us feel like veterans a little scarred and worn in some bits trading stories of crazy bar fights that we barely got out of.
So when she popped up on MSN. Wooohoo. I had to go bother her.
She tells me she might date married men if she gets desperate enough.
I asked her even if they had kids.
She said maybe.
WOW. Just wow.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Disgusting drink I’ve got here. It tastes minty and yet somehow blatantly similar to grass that it’s like chewing on a mint…pasture shall we say.
She’s got ice cream. Wacky. Just wacky.
So we chatter on for awhile about idle things. She doesn’t ask all the basic questions even though this is more or less like our second time meeting in actuality.
The first time was when I had only just signed the papers. She reaped the benefits without knowing it.
This is the second and she’s just happy she doesn’t have to use a can opener to get inside me.
We discuss random things and every now and then she’d put her hand on my forearm reassuringly.
Odd. But meh maybe she’s just friendly.
We talk a bit more and she mentions something funny.
She justifies it.
Wait a minute.
That pattern of speech!
I speak the style of old and she reciprocates. She has a Revealer’s Orb! She’s an adjudicator. Oh crap.
She knew! She knew all along. Oh crap. This means she’s higher up. Not good.
…….Dang she’s my warden. To make sure I don’t get too harsh using the Head on my end.
Ah so I guess they do want me to adjudicate for others as well. Tricky stuff. Alright since it’s the next job.
He wants to know how I do what I do.
Ah he’s got some talent I guess. I could teach him. But I can barely remember how they did it when I was first crafted.
Maybe I should. Maybe I should. He saw it and asked for it.
I wonder if his body can take this…….Array.
Like a magician.
Hur alright alright. The road there’s a little tight sigh gonna probably have a massive jam on the way. Best to get there before 1 as well. Haven’t had much to eat besides a biscuit or so today. Dang.
Ok ok I should be taking her to lunch optimistically. So I can get my stomach sorted then.
Don’t be too sure.
Huh? ok…Let’s see how it goes anyway I’ve got enough energy tanked in for awhile anyway.
Slippers, shorts and a shirt. Surely this is called well dressed haha. Well better than how it used to be.
Ha…The guard wants to see some ID. Ok ok noted. Gotta park the car first.
Pop smoke boy.
smile+easy walk+stiffen the shoulders+confidence+1 subtle reality manipulation. Right cheers thank you very much my good sir I’ll just be seeing her thank you thank you alright let me go now.
She’s not at her desk. Probably grinding some souls right now probably. Let’s hop up a level I think she’s up there. Shroud on.
Aha there she is……Ok pop smoke again.
2 layers in.
She asks what I’ve done my life these past 2 years. Or so.
And she’s shocked. I didn’t do what anyone expected really I guess. She’s disappointed I’m still single.
She asks if what happened after I left. I tell her the stories of my travels and follies without travel.
I tell her of my death and rebirth.
I tell her of her voice in my head forever marking how my life happens.
I tell her of her advice whispering in my mind reminding how to be.
I tell her of her motivation and belief in me keeping me going.
And she chooses to be humble. Yet again I am amazed by her.
She recalls she needs to have lunch so I walk with her to the toilet. There isn’t much time anyway.
Turns out she brought a pack lunch. Crap. I might be screwed.
She expresses her disbelief at how I’m still single yet again. So I tell her what I’ve made myself and the road I’ve chosen to tread. And she tells me,
“You’re running out of time.”
I shrug and tell her something. And the orb on her end tells her I lied and there’s something in my murk.
She presses hard again. Sheesh was it always this hard to fight her?
I tell her about what I am now.
Yet another press. She calls the lie again.
I tell her about what I am to be.
She keeps the press but delivers the force with a gentle hand.
I tell her the part I have to play and the mask they demand I wear, the shackles they bind me with and the oaths of servitude etched on my flesh.
And she pauses enough just to consider what I’ve said. And she just says to go and get myself sorted and stop being stingy and hiding what I’ve got from the world.
I tell her about my part time teaching. She laughs and asks what I teach. I mutter stuff and she knows what part of her teaching I do now.
And then we get to the meat. She asks what do I see in my future. I tell her the probability factors. She says not enough. Ever demanding as usual the Madam. I tell her what I saw. Not enough. I tell her what I believe is yet to come postulated by my Unraveller’s Head confirmed by feverish dreams corroborating with the other predictive abilities, what has passed with backdated analysis of events along with where I used my hand and finally the present the detailed pick apart of the mess that is now and the choices and the impetus in motion of the present.
She ruminates on these things and she says,
We talk for a bit more digging deeper and she says,
“You didn’t change but I never knew you had this inside of you.”
Her shock and surprise is something I didn’t expect really. She taught me a big chunk of my skills so you can see why I expected her to know the scope and depth of my skills.
But I’m surprised her. Guess I got something unusual then.
Oh time is up.
I tell her I will be seeing her soon. And she says no.
“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Indeed it does.
She goes off back to her table.
Ah……a familiar face approaches.
Mask on and shroud up.
Back to it.
The Narrative. says:
my supervisor said to me
i get to play with a sex doll
let me guess
The Narrative. says:
sounded wronger than i meant it to be
a heckalot wronger
The Narrative. says:
he teaches medical engineering
so that sounds better
wats a sex doll anyway?
The Narrative. says:
an anatomically correct doll
shall we say
The Narrative. says:
wats ur project?
The Narrative. says:
it'd be wrong to have a child sized one...
it's about hip replacement patients getting hypothermia so i'm checking to see if the blankets really help
yeap sounded way wronger man
nvr expected hypothermia research form 'get to play with a sex doll'
The Narrative. says:
this ur fyp ?
The Narrative. says:
gotta fill in an ethics form
yea it's my fyp
wa u 4th yr d
so afst wan
The Narrative. says:
i do 2 fyps
1 in my third year
1 in my 4th
The Narrative. says:
after you do it once
it gets easier mah
The Narrative. says:
sex doll 'For Your Pleasure'
wa damn wrong
eh i go makan dinner first
Yea so basically. My project involves a blow up doll.
Awkward. Surgeons are gonna watch me experiment on it.
I’ve gotta study it’s structure.
I gotta stick my probe in it. I MEAN MY THERMOCOUPLE…I might have to do it by hand.
I hope I don’t have to stick my hand in.
I’m supposed to see how well I can keep it warm.
This could get worse. But i think I should stop here.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
I’ve got……1 thievery request.
Dang. Not sure how I’m supposed to do this.
I need to get into the library south of town and duplicate something.
So I’ve got 3 choices I can ask Z to let me in. But I did dump her incredibly brutally.
I could ask for the number of Y to get in. But seeing as to the fact I’m basically doing something…..Unethical I doubt I’ll get anything that way either. I think Y’s timeframe here has expired as well.
I could sneak in……But I’m gonna need to do some smoke and mirrors just to make sure Z doesn’t spot me.
Or I could see if there’s any legal route in which I have to pay for.
But then again I gotta find the dang place first =/
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Ah…The sun is setting on the distant hills.
Such a serene sight. Nostalgic. Been to them hills once alone wandered it in the bright summer sun. Walked the distances through the park exploring the neighbourhood.
No idea why I was there but I sure enjoyed it. Did wear my shoes down a bit sadly.
On the right they’re still discussing the finite details of the job. Post analysis. Mostly a formality.
Sunny day. My phones weather feed confirms it. After all that rain, the bright warm setting sun is very much welcome.
Heh everyone is still drying off their stuff on the radiators. That’s how wet today was. I was even soaked through my kevlars.
Ahhhh nevertheless that hot sun is some good sunshine. Vitamin E? or D? Not fussed at all. It’s just warm.
The window in the far corner of the room even lets the warm breeze in. A nice warm breeze the kind you get on the beach and it’s not too cold yet not too warm. Yet we’re not on the beach. The lack of a salty tang is quite the giveaway.
This table is of great height you could say as well. Lets me hang my feet off less than a foot off the ground but still high enough for me to swing my legs around like a piece of string caught in a breeze. Awesome kick feel for my wet jeans.
And for company…She’s here.
Dang I wish I could man up and talk to her.
Her back is to the wall feeling the warmth of the sunset and her mine is in the hills wandering far from this place.
I chew on a few lines I could toss her. But I swallow them anyway.
The moment is good enough on it’s own without me injecting any chaos.
But what would seal the deal I guess.
Is a smoke in my left. And some amber whisky in my right. And just being able to take a nap there and then.
Sunset as the backdrop. Her as the foreground. And a table I could take a stiff nap on. Feels good man.
But no amber. No smoke. And it’s time for me to go.
The wispy trail comes up from the cigarette in my hand. Mild7. Seriously? How’s this rolled up piece of hay even remotely mild? It tastes like the sole of my old travelling shoe. Yea the one that’s seen streets that smell worse than urinals made for the visually challenged. Last time I’m letting her buy the smokes. She’s got no taste. Even smoking rolled up pieces of banana crate would taste better. At least that would be fruity. No joke. The rising tendrils of smoke coil in the air. Looks poetic. Romantic even. Probably in some strange religion or cult they’re trying interpret what signs the smoke is forming. But I’m not here to discuss the significance of it.
That’s only cause I’m not sucking on that death stick. Smells bad. Tastes worse. Gimme a wriggley’s.
But heck. This amber in my left. It’s mighty fine. Cause it was me bringing it. No qualms there. Smooth. Oaky. Deep. Rich.
I shelled out big time for this. It’s not everyday that I get to see her. Or every year even. Suits the occasion. Celebration cause she’s here. And the alcohol in it is to help me get on with the fact that I have to see her anyway. Not gonna act all big and tell you I know much about whisky. I’m not here to swish my glass and sniff the notes and tell you where was it bottled or if it’s do re mi fa so la ti do. I’m here to tell you about the feel of the drink itself.
Mighty fine. Such a shame that the young miss on the other side of the table. Is blowing that donkey piss smoke at me. Maybe I should blow back.
The cool air is refreshing. Slightly humid though. But then again the humidity mingling with the cool air ain’t so bad compared to the recent heat wave. Up till a few hours ago before the sun set I was sure that if i chucked an egg at the sidewalk. It’d bloody cook and roll about becoming coal on the sidewalk. That hot. Yeah.
Shoot me so la ti do.
But none of it is too bad. It’s a special occasion anyway she’s here I guess. Been a little hard to yank her out of the pit so all is good anyway.
Once every 2 years eh? I guess it’s good enough reason to bring out the Amber and Smoke.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Well to be honest…Mit circ this year would be just zomgwtfhandywowow
But I’d have to get certified for it.
And I absolutely don’t want the pills.
I mean like. No no no. I’ve heard of the side effects. I’d just end up playing the horrifying wake,bake and shake.
For all 3 of us!
Besides trying to function under the influence would be like stirring soup with your toes.
And probably not very eloquent.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Did I just invite her back to my place?
Wait say what?
Wait what? what? What are you doing?
Huh Woi woi! WOI!
Oh shit shit shit shit. No no no no no no. Ok gotta deflect gotta deflect gotta deflect.
SHE’S EXPRESSING INTEREST? zomgwtfbbqmcqlasahgunpewpewpew
YOU NITWIT DEFLECT FASTER!
OH CRAP SHE’S LATCHING ON.
There’s no way I can avoid acting concerned after what happened there.
Sheeeeeeeeetttt. Shift gears. NOW. Like now.
No wait no. You gotta touch her you know?
SHEEET FOR REAL?
YEA! Thats the normal thing to do lah!
Use sarcasm if you’re too scared.
Ok ok. That should work…..
Don’t think it worked smart ass.
I’m in the deep end here….
Yes you are.
Can you even hear us you knob end. If you don’t say anything she’ll come over tonight!
Right right. Gotta change the topic. Change the topic.
Whew ok. She’s going now.
She said she’s gonna hold me to the promise of coming over.
Nein nein nein! you idiot! You’re on your own on this one. Good luck with your hermitancy studies this year.
He’s right bro. You’re screwed heh.
At least this might be interesting?…
If you’re lucky.
Ok ok she’s going gotta smile gotta smile. Ok good good. Whew. Time to look like smoke then and be wispy.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
If someone told me.
You’re gonna catch a life threatening disease and spend 10 odd days gasping for air and have a permanent fear of sleeping lying down. I would have laughed at the absurdity of it all.
The former has become eternally true but the latter comes and goes like a constantly travelling friend pulling into town on the odd weekend only to say hi and go. Cept he isn’t welcome. Well sorta.
Things have came and went pretty quickly in the past year. There we’re the ups and the downs. The ins and the outs. The surfs and the wipeouts.
Yet somehow it feels like it’s been ages since I cut the hospital tags off and removed the breathing tube. There’s no more stumbling and leaning against walls just to pee. I can jog for at least a half a kilometre now with the bloody hazy smell coming from my lungs.
I’ve bunny hopped in a plane across Europe. Playfully chased numerous skirts and failed miserably.(God forbid I succeed with such dismal effort) Made new friends in the north. Finally reversed the output of the translator in my head to be an active output. Driven to Melaka twice. Even saw the acoustic abjurer Andy Mckee. Met the supersara now upgraded to ubersupersara.
However I’m still walking around the forests with my medical issues. At least I’m not wheezing for air and slapping the “Call nurse” button while gasping for enough air to string a prayer together. Going from reading Name of the Wind during the day. And gripping my Bible day and night as a comforting plushie like a child with a teddy waiting for the nurse to wake me for my next pill in the morning and for the sun to set knowing that I survived another day. Only for night to fully set and my family to return home leaving me to battle sleep and my fear of it. Not so much the fear of it but the fear of not returning from it.
Every step was a shocker. Learning that I couldn’t gather enough energy to shower without feeling completely tired the whole day after that was one. The other was learning I might have paid the high sums and wages only never to use my skills and equipment.
Then I walked free. Fought the battle from my house. Drank the tinctures. Played Dead Space to kill time while waiting for more pills or drinks or summat just to carry on to recuperate. And then…I cleared to fly. And the world exploded. I met new people. I reorganised my mind. I met old people again on different levels. And learnt why I paid all those prices.
It’s been good development. I even saw Ms Chian without giving her too much to grumble over. (my lack of a partner seems to be a serious one though)(However I repeat, may I not succeed till I put my back into it.)
At least I’ve learnt not to be so cranky. To spring. When I step. To chin up when things look down. To be bathed in bitterness but get out and towel off. It’s all fine and dandy like the whispering wind muttering intelligible words in your ear and leaving quietly.
And now for my next trick. I’ll survive another year.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Jeez we’re all doing it nowadays.
I’ve even finally after all these years gotta write a paper on it this year.
Quite amazing stuff is going down here.
Even had the ethical lecture today. Gotta talk to the faculty. The NHS. And the Special Licenses committee for the more…Deadly stuff.
Even Christian’s paper got published. With a direct quote off me in there. A little shy now that my words are circulating in the academic community a bit more.
But sigh. I wish ethics played a bigger role back home. Being a statistic for a failed sample is really really sucky.
They shoulda had the consent forms out…
But when you get spawned out. You really don’t have much time to sign anything anyway sigh.
That’s a terrible din. Gosh it’s cold out. Maybe if I just curl up in my duvet a bit more…
Wait a sec.
What time is it?
Where’s that on button. Slide to unlock…Ok… It’s 10.10.
Ah 5 more minutes.
HOLD ON BACK UP BACK UP. URGH. I need to shower.
Sigh. Obliged to shower on first day social meeting with prospective employer. Sigh sigh.
I need to shave. Sheesh haven’t had the time to do that recently. Don’t have the time now either.
I’m probably gonna be late today. And it’s my first day on this new commission. Sigh.
Gotta pick up the pace. Scrub faster. Wash faster. Yea yea. Ok good good.
Hmm sports shoes? Nah today is time for some kevlar. Oh yea…
Tch lousy rain. Parka up? Nah. I’m late and I’ve locked the door there’s no point going back to get it.
OMIGOSH IT’S POURING…Did my stomach just rumble? Shiet. Zomgzomgzomg first day! This can’t be good! Crappppp.
Ok ok gotta jog a bit…WHO AM I KIDDING I’VE ONLY GOT 10 MINS LEFT.
Shit just got seriously serious.
Ugh…Crap did the world just spin a bit there?…Still gotta run. Dang best not to overdo it. Crashing out on the first day would be embarrassing.
Seriously british weather. reliably wet. ALL YEAR.
Left? NO NO NO right you idiot. In the direction of the hospital.
Freaking rain. I’m half wet now.
Wish I brought an umbrella from the tropical rainstorm back home.
I’ve got 3 mins to go…
Pick up the scent. I’m near enough. Let’s see scroll scroll…No no no not Vania’s perfume. Looking for the mountain woman’s scent.
Stupid rain. Too much of it going around can’t even smell nuts.
…Hey wait a sec! Issat her over there?!
………Breathe it in…
Wrong legs anyway. Hers are in a different proportion.
okok turn left here.
Up up. Run boy run.
Wooden doors. Right coordinates.
Shit is this place even open. Dang as if she would wait for me outside in this rain when I’m late.
Quick go in…
There she is. 3 green books. Alas she wasn’t expecting me. Oh well.
…..Is that incense? Hur weird.
Ah…gotta around that guy.
Excuse me. Yea point ok show him you wanna go in. okok
It’s ok. Are you wet?
Just a bit. Not much.